... and now for the muse

The script which won the Waikato Masters Squash Team the supreme award on skit night at Palmerston North, October 2005 ... oh, we came third in the squash.

Updated Nov 18 with team and Idelano Mexicano photo.

PK:

Welcome to the inaugural NZ Idle 2005 - where we look to praise efforts of laziness of the highest order. I'm your host, Pull Cannot.

Well, as you might expect, there's been bugger all interest in this event - and earlier elimination rounds would have been cancelled if they had been organised in the first place.

Regardless, we've conjured together 3 final entries who will give live performances tonight in their efforts to become Idle Fart 2005.

Prepare to endure displays of apathy and lack-lustre-reness by Angie Toal in 'Idle Squash', Barry Hughes in an anticipated favourite - 'Bar Idle', and Judy Cooper in - simply titled 'Idle Judy'.

Of course, we have our judging panel who will share appraisals of performances but it is you, the studio audience, who will have final say when we engage you in a new Interactive Voting technology later in the show.

Please put your hands together for our doubtfuls tonight and their supporting cast: Ladies and gentleman Angie Toal and 'Idle Squash'.

Dana:

Thanks for coming down to squash with me Angie - the courts are busy so we should get straight in to our warm up

Angie:

Good idea: [lights cigarette - puffs -] ... Warmer already.

Dana:

Well ... I was thinking more of stretching

Angie:

Oh, yeah. [drinks beer couple of times emphasising arm bends]

Dana:

No, no, like squash stretches

Angie:

Oh, well, could you do me a favour - bend this knee - thanks, now touch my toes. Careful, not too fast - I don't want to pull anything.

Dana:

This is hopeless - come on, let's do some routines

Angie:

Okay

Dana:

How about boast, drop, drive

Angie:

No, let's do 100 drives down the wall. -You hit- I'll start counting. [Dana mimes a few hits.] 1 - 2 - 3 - arrgghhhh, this is pissing me off, let's go to the bar

PK

Ladies and Gentlemen: Barry Hughes and Bar Idle

Barry:

[conversation becomes louder like when the camera moves between scenes at the Rovers Return]... but you should have called it. A blind man could see it was a double bounce - that's just playing on my good nature

Rob:

Bazza, jeez man, let it go - it was 1926 - and just a friendly

Barry:

No, you're wrong. It was '87. September 26th. 18 years and 11 months to the day -
Shit, it's the 26th of the month. It's my monthly shag night. Forgot all about it, and I've already planned to have 8 more pints. Rob, you couldn't go home and shag my missus for me - I'm kinda in a bind here.

Rob:

Awww, sorry mate. No can do, I'm already committed. I'm filling in for PK - it's his yearly one today.

Barry:

Bugger, well-I suppose I'll have to go. I'll just finish this...

[Phone call from Judy to Dana]

Judy:

Come over for a cup of coffee and we'll do some shopping

Dana:

Okay. I'll be right over.

PK

Ladies and gentlemen: Idle Judy

Judy:

My, that was quick. Well, fancy a cup of coffee?

Dana:

That'd be lovely

Judy:

Well, the cups are in the pantry with the coffee beans - you'll need to grind them. Oh, I do hope there's some milk. I told Ray we'd run out yesterday and I'm not sure if he went to get more before going to work at 6 this morning.

Dana:

Perhaps we'll leave it then

Judy:

Okay, that'll save time anyway - we've got soooo much shopping to do. Lots of ground to cover Be a dear - pass me my phone [Dana passes phone that was already within Judy's reach] ... here ... [passes Dana Ezi-buy catalogue making it clear it's a phone order catalogue] - I thought that wee number on page 35 would be nice for you - what's the code?

Dana:

1-3-7-sexy-G

Judy:

I'll ring it through now...

PK

Well there's an average display of mediocre energy usage. Over to our judges for a quick summary.

Kay:

Thanks Pull. Well Judy - a wonderful effort. Glimmers of true laziness there. You really are phone-idle. However, just a couple of things you could think about for future years. You'd obviously overcooked your EZI-buy performance - you should have had Dana turning the pages.

Donna:

And Judy, you seem to be getting a little too much exercise knowing what's in the fridge. This perhaps shows a small underlying tendency to get involved with household chores. Well Possums, that takes care of Jude. Now let's discuss big Barry.

Kay:

Tremendous effort; some very convincing apathy there. Don't you agree Donna?

Donna

Well - yes, but ... I couldn't help thinking that - deep down - you really wanted that shag.

Kay:

And to Angie. I've have to say pure idleness. I just loved that performance. If I didn't know you better I'd almost think you were trying to win.

Donna:

I couldn't agree more Kay. She does nothing [pause] very naturally. Ang - your lack of commitment is a truly admirable quality. Superb effort. Keep up the average effort girl - no fears of going far with that attitude.

PK:

Well folk, there you've seen it. It's now up to you to make your mind up as to who should be Idle Fart 2005. We're passing out the new interactive voting technology where you'll see the numbers 1 to 3 for relating to the person you can decide is most idle. Simply hold your finger [raises middle finger in bird gesture] or thumb [raises other finger in fingers gesture] over the voting number of your choice and the results will be transmitted to me telepathetically.

While we're waiting for the votes to be collated we're going to skip to a live satellite feed from Mexico where the winners of Idleano Mexicano have recently been crowned.

Hola, Meh-hi-co, can you hear me. Por favour, puedes dar me una llave por pista dos mil y cinco^**. First of all congratulations on your idle victory. I wonder if you could share some winning advice to our Neuvo Zealando dopefuls?

Edgar:

[long pause - then slowly raising head so visible beneath sombrero] Ay, amigo, is my fly open?

Mark:

[equally slowly leaning forward to check]... No 'es not

Edgar:

Oh well, I will go piss later then.

PK:

Yes, well, ahem - I wonder, do you have any advice to share with our NZ folk

Edgar and Mark:

[slowly] Ahhh ... piss off.

PK:

Well, it seems we've lost that satellite feed. It leaves only to annouce the Idle Fart for 2005: ... Ladies and gentlemen ... Angie Toal.

**   Translates to Please, can you give me the keys to court 2005 but had the desired effect.

Labels: masters, sport, squash

got to talking to Lester today about blogs for an article in the waikato times - you might have read or read about it.

Had to chat with deeknow yesterday about some Zope stuff ... we got to talking about my birthday for some reason - then I thought "Hmmm, it's your birthday ain't it" and it was! I haven't spoken to him for weeks but he musta thought I was quite considerate. What a fluke. Happy birthday deeknow. (You're the only one who reads this anyway).